Bob
SoWal Insider
McSweeney's Internet Tendency: Actuarial Tables. Actuarial Tables.
BY JEFF BERCOVICI AND PIPER WEISS
- - - -
CAUSE OF DEATH / LIKELIHOOD
62-YEAR-OLD MAN:
? Heart Disease 33%
? Cancer 27%
? Stroke 12%
? Chronic lower respiratory disease 8%
? Accidents (unintentional injuries) 6%
? Diabetes 5%
? Influenza and Pneumonia 5%
? Other 4%
7-YEAR-OLD CHILD:
? Quicksand 39%
? Tornado 10%
? Rabies 7%
? Booby trap 23%
? Nuclear war 21%
? Volcanoes 6%
? Clown 3%
13-YEAR-OLD FEMALE:
? Embarrassment 80%
? Toxic shock syndrome 17%
? HPV 3%
13-YEAR-OLD MALE SCI FI FAN:
? Rebellion of self-aware super-intelligent machines 65%
? Incorrectly plotted hyperdrive jump 17 %
? Caught masturbating 10 %
? Ejected out of airlock 8 %
19TH-CENTURY LITERARY HEROINE:
? Consumption 15%
? Grief 12%
? Childbirth 38%
? Scarlet fever 7%
? Carriage overturning 8%
? Drowning with stones in pockets 20%
NOIR PROTAGONIST:
? Gin 13%
? A dame 57%
? Jealous husband 19%
? Hired goons 11%
THE DOG:
? Loneliness 60%
? Empty bowl 37%
? The vacuum cleaner 3%
THE CAT:
? The dog 50%
? You 50%
NEW AGE MAN:
? Ascending 79%
? Parathamingasana (mating dragonfly pose?not recommended) 2%
? Bad batch of ayahuasca 2%
? Bladder cancer 11%
? Pony tail caught in mall escalator 2%
ACTION NEWS 7 HEALTH REPORTER:
? Drinking fountains? 41%
? Hard-boiled eggs? 22%
? Seat belts? 37%
SLASHER MOVIE VILLAIN:
? Falling shard of glass from shattered cathedral stained-glass window 11%
? Drowning in a fountain of holy water 8%
? Stabbed in the eye with an extra-pointy crucifix 8%
? Immolation by the hand of a vengeful parent (followed by own ashes collected in a safe deposit box and dropped in the lake whence he came) 5%
? That virgin ***** 58%
MICK JAGGER:
? Auto-erotic asphyxiation 50%
? Nothing 50%
ANDY ROONEY:
? Wireless telephones 9%
? Self-service checkouts 8%
? Women drivers 7%
? Lesley Stahl (she has her reasons) 43%
? One more day 10%
? That rap music 10%
? Rogue rollerbladers 10%
? The vacuum cleaner 3%
BY JEFF BERCOVICI AND PIPER WEISS
- - - -
CAUSE OF DEATH / LIKELIHOOD
62-YEAR-OLD MAN:
? Heart Disease 33%
? Cancer 27%
? Stroke 12%
? Chronic lower respiratory disease 8%
? Accidents (unintentional injuries) 6%
? Diabetes 5%
? Influenza and Pneumonia 5%
? Other 4%
7-YEAR-OLD CHILD:
? Quicksand 39%
? Tornado 10%
? Rabies 7%
? Booby trap 23%
? Nuclear war 21%
? Volcanoes 6%
? Clown 3%
13-YEAR-OLD FEMALE:
? Embarrassment 80%
? Toxic shock syndrome 17%
? HPV 3%
13-YEAR-OLD MALE SCI FI FAN:
? Rebellion of self-aware super-intelligent machines 65%
? Incorrectly plotted hyperdrive jump 17 %
? Caught masturbating 10 %
? Ejected out of airlock 8 %
19TH-CENTURY LITERARY HEROINE:
? Consumption 15%
? Grief 12%
? Childbirth 38%
? Scarlet fever 7%
? Carriage overturning 8%
? Drowning with stones in pockets 20%
NOIR PROTAGONIST:
? Gin 13%
? A dame 57%
? Jealous husband 19%
? Hired goons 11%
THE DOG:
? Loneliness 60%
? Empty bowl 37%
? The vacuum cleaner 3%
THE CAT:
? The dog 50%
? You 50%
NEW AGE MAN:
? Ascending 79%
? Parathamingasana (mating dragonfly pose?not recommended) 2%
? Bad batch of ayahuasca 2%
? Bladder cancer 11%
? Pony tail caught in mall escalator 2%
ACTION NEWS 7 HEALTH REPORTER:
? Drinking fountains? 41%
? Hard-boiled eggs? 22%
? Seat belts? 37%
SLASHER MOVIE VILLAIN:
? Falling shard of glass from shattered cathedral stained-glass window 11%
? Drowning in a fountain of holy water 8%
? Stabbed in the eye with an extra-pointy crucifix 8%
? Immolation by the hand of a vengeful parent (followed by own ashes collected in a safe deposit box and dropped in the lake whence he came) 5%
? That virgin ***** 58%
MICK JAGGER:
? Auto-erotic asphyxiation 50%
? Nothing 50%
ANDY ROONEY:
? Wireless telephones 9%
? Self-service checkouts 8%
? Women drivers 7%
? Lesley Stahl (she has her reasons) 43%
? One more day 10%
? That rap music 10%
? Rogue rollerbladers 10%
? The vacuum cleaner 3%