Friday Funnies

[kathydwells]

Got a Couple!

The silent treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.


The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."


Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.


OK. It's coming on to the Football season again, so here are some revealing facts about the SEC teams.

Thought you might like these. Kickoff is getting close!

1) What does the average Auburn Player get on his SATs?
.........Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas Cheerleaders in one room?
........A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a South Carolina Cheerleader into your dorm room?
.........Grease her hips and push.

(4) How do you get a Georgia Graduate off your porch?
.........Pay him for the pizza.

(5) How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a Girlfriend?
........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup

(6) Why is the Kentucky Football team like a possum?
.........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's Life?
........His freshman year.

(8) How many Florida Freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
.........None. That's a sophomore course.

(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
........Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner.

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)


(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and Picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

 

[Landlocked]

Those were great!



A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband - "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"NO, I didn't-it's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark: "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing" the drunk replies.

 

[kathydwells]

Those were great!



A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband - "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"NO, I didn't-it's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark: "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing" the drunk replies.

:rofl:

 

[kathydwells]

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing? I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

 

[Ocean Lover]

Oh my gosh, what a way to start the morning! Great stuff! The football ones had me :rofl:

 

[kathydwells]

Unintentional Humor.

 

[Landlocked]

That road sign is great!

 

[ktschris]

First post...sorry it's so long, but worth it

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note - must do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage Shampoo with 43 Added Vitamins.
6. Wash your hair once again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint Conditioner, enhanced with Natural Avocado Oil. Leave on hair 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with Crushed Apricot Facial Scrub for ten minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake Body Wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure it's all out).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, then tweeze hairs.
17. Return to bedroom, wearing long dressing gown and super absorbent towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour getting dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed, and then leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake your wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no), admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, and scratch your a**.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. You don't use one.
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse ass hairs on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo mohawk.
14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
15. Pee in the shower.
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water that's on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles.
19. Admire wiener size again.
20. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
21. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
22. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife,
pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.

 

[Landlocked]

 

[Sheila]

First post...sorry it's so long, but worth it

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note - must do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage Shampoo with 43 Added Vitamins.
6. Wash your hair once again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint Conditioner, enhanced with Natural Avocado Oil. Leave on hair 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with Crushed Apricot Facial Scrub for ten minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake Body Wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure it's all out).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, then tweeze hairs.
17. Return to bedroom, wearing long dressing gown and super absorbent towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour getting dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed, and then leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake your wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no), admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, and scratch your a**.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. You don't use one.
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse ass hairs on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo mohawk.
14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
15. Pee in the shower.
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water that's on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles.
19. Admire wiener size again.
20. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
21. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
22. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife,
pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

I will never eat my lunch while browsing the Friday Funnies again! I have spent the last 20 minutes cleaning off my monitor, the wall and the floor after spraying my iced tea on it after reading this!