kathydwells
Darlene is my middle name, not my nickname
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).
These North and South Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.
________________________________________
HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK
When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" toeveryone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the @$% out of her" ...
You need to pray at work.
When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting in 5 minutes," and
you think, "what the $#@! do they want now?"..... You need to pray at work.
When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say,
"which one of you %^&*()$#@!)(*&^ turned off my computer?" ..... You need to
pray at work.
When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person
comes in and says, "well at my last office..." and you want to throw a stapler
at them . ... You need to pray at work.
When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses
your mind is, "what the hell does this #@$%^^ want now?" and you try to
hide underneath your desk......... You need to pray at work.
When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and the
first thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my grits!
... You need to pray at work.
When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for
five minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor, and
you say "that lazy b______ d"..... .You need to pray at work.
When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of
paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you
think, "sorry M#$^%F%&#s"....... You need to pray at work.
If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping someone
or flattening their tires that you work with.....You need to pray at
work.
If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone
because you know it's going to lead to their life story. You need to pray at
work.
__________________________
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks.
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
These North and South Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.
________________________________________
HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK
When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" toeveryone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the @$% out of her" ...
You need to pray at work.
When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting in 5 minutes," and
you think, "what the $#@! do they want now?"..... You need to pray at work.
When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say,
"which one of you %^&*()$#@!)(*&^ turned off my computer?" ..... You need to
pray at work.
When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person
comes in and says, "well at my last office..." and you want to throw a stapler
at them . ... You need to pray at work.
When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses
your mind is, "what the hell does this #@$%^^ want now?" and you try to
hide underneath your desk......... You need to pray at work.
When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and the
first thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my grits!
... You need to pray at work.
When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for
five minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor, and
you say "that lazy b______ d"..... .You need to pray at work.
When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of
paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you
think, "sorry M#$^%F%&#s"....... You need to pray at work.
If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping someone
or flattening their tires that you work with.....You need to pray at
work.
If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone
because you know it's going to lead to their life story. You need to pray at
work.
__________________________
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks.
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
