Friday Funny 11/11/05

[kathydwells]

Jack and Jill

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father
sat him down for a little chat.

Jack, let me tell you something.

On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite,
I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and
said, Here try these on.'

So she did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear
them.'

So I replied 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this
family and I always will.

Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
Jack thinks that might be good advice.

So on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and
says to Jill, "Here, try these on."

She does and says, "These are too large; they don't
fit me."

So Jack says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this
family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget
that."

Jill takes off her pants, hands them to Jack, and
says, "Here, you try on mine".

He does and says, "I can't get into your pants."

Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your
smart-a$$ attitude, you never will.

 

[OhioBeachBum]

That was fun! Here's another...

Simple Math (By A Very Wise Man)

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to
the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I always smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper,

I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass everyday. Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has P.M.S.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing. That means that Every Single
Day, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide,
has P.M.S., and is armed.

Flip one off??

"Helloooooo" ... I think not!

 

[kathydwells]

OBB....:funn: I love it. And how true it is!

 

[Rita]

Thanks KD and OBB - Gotta pass those along!

 

[Landlocked]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

 

[Miss Kitty]

wheeeeeeeeeee Miss Kitty loves Friday! Thanks y'all!

 

[OhioBeachBum]

Priceless, LL!

 

[lucky13]

Jack and Jill

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father
sat him down for a little chat.

Jack, let me tell you something.

On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite,
I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and
said, Here try these on.'

So she did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear
them.'

So I replied 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this
family and I always will.

Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
Jack thinks that might be good advice.

So on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and
says to Jill, "Here, try these on."

She does and says, "These are too large; they don't
fit me."

So Jack says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this
family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget
that."

Jill takes off her pants, hands them to Jack, and
says, "Here, you try on mine".

He does and says, "I can't get into your pants."

Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your
smart-a$$ attitude, you never will.

Great honeymoon advice!

 

[Rita]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

:rofl: This one is definately a keeper!