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Just a Funny
- Thread starter Misty
- Start date
Misty
Banned
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”
Misty
Banned
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Misty
Banned
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
Misty
Banned
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"...
Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped.
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says: "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"...
Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped.
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says: "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Misty
Banned
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son.
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son.
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom
Misty
Banned
The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him. IRS AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”. Boat Owner: “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand, he’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally”.IRS AUDITOR: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one”. Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know”?
ottomatik
Beach Fanatic
Airport Conversation
Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during
an endless wait in the Los Angeles airport.
The first lady was an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy
man. The second was a well-mannered, elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the
California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my
husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband
bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my
husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy
for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to Charm School ," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm School?" the first woman said, amazed, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying,
"Who gives a shitz?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart!"
Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during
an endless wait in the Los Angeles airport.
The first lady was an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy
man. The second was a well-mannered, elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the
California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my
husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband
bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my
husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy
for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to Charm School ," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm School?" the first woman said, amazed, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying,
"Who gives a shitz?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart!"