Monday funny

[Jdarg]

Warning- this is a groaner....


A man is dining in a fancy restaurant
> > >> > and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next
> > >> > table. He has been checking her out since he sat
> > >> > down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.
> > >> >
> > >> > Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass
> > >> > eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
> > >> >
> > >> > He reflexively reaches out, grabs it
> > >> > out of the air, and hands it back.
> > >> >
> > >> > "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says
> > >> > as she pops her eye back in place.
> > >> >
> > >> > "Let me buy your dinner to make it up
> > >> > to you," she

says.
> > >> >
> > >> > They enjoy a wonderful dinner
> > >> > together, and afterwards they go to the theater
> > >> > followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she
> > >> > shares her deepest dreams and when he shar es his ,
> > >> > She listens.
> > >> >
> > >> > After paying for everything, she asks
> > >> > him if he would like to come to her place for a
> > >> > nightcap . and stay for breakfast.
> > >> >
> > >> > They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
> > >> >
> > >> > The next morning, she cooks a gourmet
> > >> > meal with all the trimmings.
> > >> >
> > >> > The guy is amazed!! Everything has
> > >> > been SO incredible!!!!
> > >>

>
> > >> > "You know," he said, "you are the
> > >> > perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you
> > >> > meet?"
> > >> >
> > >> > "No," she replies........."
> > >> >
> > >> > "You just happened to catch my eye."
> > >> >
> > >> > (Oh shut up, I just forward them, I
> > >> > don't write them!!)

 

[RiverOtter]

> > >> >
> > >> > "No," she replies........."
> > >> >
> > >> > "You just happened to catch my eye."
> > >> >
> > >> > (Oh shut up, I just forward them, I
> > >> > don't write them!!)

 

[Jdarg]

Told ya it was bad!

 

[RiverOtter]

Told ya it was bad!

I tried to laugh

 

[Landlocked]

Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Hudson, Florida
forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the
principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for
the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it
and forward it to all those who could use a lift.

Dear Hudson Middle School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the
Hudson Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed
away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is
thinking of me. God bless your for your kindness to an old
forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I
received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when
she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night
stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was
in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said
"F*** you."

Thanks again!

Sincerely,

Edna

 

[RiverOtter]

Not that's funny!

 

[Landlocked]

I don't know if this is true but it is funny either way


First Date

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down
when you read it.

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not! We
have all had bad dates.. but this takes the cake.

This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on
the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the
most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described
her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to
why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had
taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a
day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had
never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home
late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she
gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra
latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the
middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she
did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow
going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and
let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her
companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed
was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think
about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of
the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As
she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen
to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage
her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a
brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply
that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some
assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater
and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out
laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to
compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical
as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem both
agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the
grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her
free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to
unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize
hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought
your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment, "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed
off."

 

[Ocean Lover]

Oh my gosh.. :rofl: That definetely tops my most embarrassing moment.

 

[BigR]

Try this for embarrassing:

The Nudist! (This is Too funny!)

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a
photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then
remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:

Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style . . . it makes your nose look short.

Love, Gramma

Enjoy.BigR

 

[RiverOtter]

Ouch :funn: