Smart Cat

[kathydwells]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a *&%$ on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

 

[Miss Kitty]

You are the Queen of Funnies! Thanks K!

 

[kathydwells]

You are the Queen of Funnies! Thanks K!

Your welcome...I was bored, and decide I would send this one today..I have couple more for Friday!!

 

[kathydwells]

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 25 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 25 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk,embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I'm fishing."

 

[Landlocked]

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 25 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 25 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk,embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I'm fishing."

 

[Landlocked]

"The Best Cat Story Ever"

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable.
No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense
my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied
anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I
simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury
and I hoped I would feel like coming in the next day.
By then, I thought, I could think up a doozy to explain
the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded
to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially,
the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning
I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard
my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Ed!! The garbage disposal is dead. Come and
reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through
the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going
and it pulls me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take
you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping
to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior
was not without consequence.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink
to find the button. It is the last action I remember
performing.

It struck without warning, without any respect to my
circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal
drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our
new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling
objects she spied between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked
me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the
second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys
I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily
movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate
of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging
from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or
flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose
only the "flight" option.

Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly
impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me
out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood
over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the
paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their
work while suppressing hysterical laughter.

At the office, my colleagues tried to coax an explanation
out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to
talk about.

"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known.

 

[Mermaid]

This is so funny! It should be a permanent post--joke of the day!

 

[kathydwells]

LL, I knew you would love that one. I thought of you when I posted it!!!!

 

[kathydwells]

"The Best Cat Story Ever"

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable.
No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense
my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied
anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I
simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury
and I hoped I would feel like coming in the next day.
By then, I thought, I could think up a doozy to explain
the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded
to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially,
the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning
I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard
my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Ed!! The garbage disposal is dead. Come and
reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through
the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going
and it pulls me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take
you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping
to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior
was not without consequence.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink
to find the button. It is the last action I remember
performing.

It struck without warning, without any respect to my
circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal
drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our
new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling
objects she spied between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked
me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the
second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys
I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily
movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate
of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging
from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or
flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose
only the "flight" option.

Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly
impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me
out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood
over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the
paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their
work while suppressing hysterical laughter.

At the office, my colleagues tried to coax an explanation
out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to
talk about.

"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known.