Thursday Funny

[Landlocked]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over
the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop
with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop
pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your
hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what
does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work
my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my
whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both
hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's
about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole?" he
asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

 

[Landlocked]

Ski season is here! Following is a list of exercises to
get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-
in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50
dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after
every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of
your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared
on the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20
times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory
bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them
with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your
toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to
run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a
hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's
in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the
spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it
melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to
take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until
it's time for the real thing!

 

[RiverOtter]

Badda Bing!

 

[kathydwells]

Love them LL. I used to do alot of snow skiing and I can sure relate to the second one!!!!!

 

[ktschris]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over
the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop
with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop
pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your
hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what
does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work
my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my
whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both
hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's
about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole?" he
asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Hey, I've met that guy!! :rofl:

 

[Landlocked]

I used to do some skiiing too before my knees blew out. Not much fun coming down Crested Butte with a blown out knee.

 

[kathydwells]

I used to do some skiiing too before my knees blew out. Not much fun coming down Crested Butte with a blown out knee.

I think I could still do it, just haven't had the chance in awhile, and I would rather spend my $$ in SoWal. You won't believe where I learned to snow ski. Tehran, Iran. Spent 3 years there in my youth. Lot's of beautiful mountains and alot of snow!!! Sorry about your knee, you should be more careful.

 

[ktschris]

I used to do some skiiing too before my knees blew out. Not much fun coming down Crested Butte with a blown out knee.

We used to go there!!! But we called it Crusted Butt! Now we take the kids to Copper or Winter Park. Way too cold in Crested Butte. My father-in-law has a place in western NY that we go to every year because it's free -- BUT FREEZING!

 

[Landlocked]

We used to go there!!! But we called it Crusted Butt! Now we take the kids to Copper or Winter Park. Way too cold in Crested Butte. My father-in-law has a place in western NY that we go to every year because it's free -- BUT FREEZING!

I got caught in a white out on the lift in Crested Butte and the damn thing plopped me off by myself on top of that mountain. I came down about a foot at a time. I couldn't even see the damn trails. I was the last one off the mountain. :funn:

 

[ktschris]

At least you made it down like a man!!! It's embarrasing to have to be rescued by ski patrol!!