Tuesday 2:15 (EST) Funny!

[Mermaid]

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks and could not come to an agreement. He would settle for any pickup truck, but his wife wanted something small and quick so she could get around town better. Everything that she looked at and liked was out of her price range.

Finally, in frustration, she said, "Look, my birthday is coming up in a few weeks. Surprise me with something that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds or less..."

For her birthday, he bought her a new bathroom scale.

Funeral services are pending.

 

[kathydwells]

These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.


Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on
TV, how do the plants grow? (UK.)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.


Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.


Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.


Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?


Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which
does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross. Come naked.


Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civi! lization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.


Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and
make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out
of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)


A: Yes, gay nightclubs.


Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.


Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl
I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.


Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

 

[Mermaid]

A guy walks into a bar and seats himself next to a nice-looking blonde girl. She doesn't notice him at first, being absorbed in a TV newscast of a man on a 10th-floor window ledge, threatening to jump. After a short while, though, she turns to him and says "I bet he doesn't jump."
"You think so?", he replies, "How about a $20 bet on that?"
She immediately pulls out $20 and lays it on the bar, just as the guy jumps.
She shrugs. "Well, I guess you win."
"Nah, I can't take your money," he replies, "I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I already knew he'd jump."
"Yeah, I saw it too," says the blonde, "but I didn't think he'd do it again."

 

[kathydwells]

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two
female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous
Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's
room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could
reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to
direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
"You must be in the fourth grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race
today."

 

[Dabell]

Why does Jewish Men die before thier wifes?
'
'
'
'

''

'
'
''
'


'
'






'
'
'
'
'
'

'
'
'


'


''
'
'
' Beacuse they want to!

 

[Ocean Lover]

Oh my gosh...too too funny!!!!!!!!!

 

[Mermaid]

The Hotel Bill

A husband and wife are traveling by car a very long distance. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well, too bad", the man replies. "She was here, and you could have".

 

[lollygal]

Single? Married?

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted" Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

 

[CastlesOfSand]

You guys.. these are all funny!!!!! What is left for Friday? :shock: I can't wait!

 

[Miss Kitty]

Hoot alert...this is the best joke off (be careful, now!)...and everyone's a WINNER!