-
Trouble logging in? Send us a message with your username and/or email address for help.
Daddy
- Thread starter Cheering472
- Start date
TooFarTampa
SoWal Insider
Njackie, I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. My dad is still alive and healthy but I have had a similar experience -- my 39 yo brother in law died of lung cancer in February, a year after he was diagnosed, leaving behind a wife and two small children. It was a horrible experience but it does teach you that family is more important than anything.
I bring this up because I wanted to tell you and Cheering about what we did for my brother in law, in hopes it could be an idea that might appeal to you. Around Thanksgiving, knowing his brother probably didn't have much time left, my husband and I decided to put together a memory book for him. John was a true character and we got the idea to ask friends and family for their best and funniest stories about him. We put together an 82-page book in four weeks, scanned in a ton of color photos, published it in Word, had it bound at Kinkos, and presented it to him on Christmas Day.
I cannot emphasize enough what a wonderful gift this was -- and not just for John. It was a cathartic experience for all of us to put our best memories down on paper while he was able to read them, knowing that we were all able to show him how much we loved him. Because in the end it was all we could do.
The book was also a big hit at his funeral and, perhaps most importantly, will serve as a concrete record for his children, who are so young they are unlikely to have any memories of him at all.
Anyway, it doesn't have to be 82 pages or even remotely elaborate, but if you have the ability and your fathers are well enough to read them, it might be something that could help all of you feel a bit better. Happy memories are always worth reviewing, but even more so at a time like this.
I bring this up because I wanted to tell you and Cheering about what we did for my brother in law, in hopes it could be an idea that might appeal to you. Around Thanksgiving, knowing his brother probably didn't have much time left, my husband and I decided to put together a memory book for him. John was a true character and we got the idea to ask friends and family for their best and funniest stories about him. We put together an 82-page book in four weeks, scanned in a ton of color photos, published it in Word, had it bound at Kinkos, and presented it to him on Christmas Day.
I cannot emphasize enough what a wonderful gift this was -- and not just for John. It was a cathartic experience for all of us to put our best memories down on paper while he was able to read them, knowing that we were all able to show him how much we loved him. Because in the end it was all we could do.
The book was also a big hit at his funeral and, perhaps most importantly, will serve as a concrete record for his children, who are so young they are unlikely to have any memories of him at all.
Anyway, it doesn't have to be 82 pages or even remotely elaborate, but if you have the ability and your fathers are well enough to read them, it might be something that could help all of you feel a bit better. Happy memories are always worth reviewing, but even more so at a time like this.
Jdarg
SoWal Expert
I love the memory book idea! I wish we had thought of that, especially since my dad spent his last 6 months sitting on the couch with boxes of pictures and mementos. I wish I had organized them for him! At least I have his video of the Gulf taken from Grayton Beach in 1997- he set the camera on the sand facing out over the water, and forgot to turn it off. It's actually very soothing to watch the waves gently breaking, and funny because it was so typical of my dad (he probably couldn't figure out how to turn it off, so he just set it down!)
Everybody probably already knows this, but I didn't learn it until my "Daddy" died in 1998. There will be a turning point in grief where the laughter and fun memories will override the sadness. There will still be sad days and weeks and months, but at some point you realize that when you think of that person, you are laughing or smiling more than crying. And I am instantly happy when I run into one of his friends or aquaintances and they say a kind word about him or share a funny story- even 8 years later. It makes my day. So I try to do that when I am talking to someone who has lost a loved one, whether recently or in the past.
Everybody probably already knows this, but I didn't learn it until my "Daddy" died in 1998. There will be a turning point in grief where the laughter and fun memories will override the sadness. There will still be sad days and weeks and months, but at some point you realize that when you think of that person, you are laughing or smiling more than crying. And I am instantly happy when I run into one of his friends or aquaintances and they say a kind word about him or share a funny story- even 8 years later. It makes my day. So I try to do that when I am talking to someone who has lost a loved one, whether recently or in the past.
Paula
Beach Fanatic
Dear Cheering:
I'm sorry to hear about your father's struggle. I will certainly be sending prayers not only for your daddy, but for you and the others who are close to your daddy to have strength as well. We lost my mom to cancer 3 years ago and to this day I still look to the time we took care of her (with my 2 sisters) as one of the most important (and most precious) times of my life. Here's what we learned that I think you'd appreciate (other than appreciating your father and honoring him now and forever).
My sisters and I all read the wonderful book, Final Gifts, by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley, as we were caring for my mom and it was the most uplifting and helpful book during a time of need. It is written by two hospice nurses that give insight into the final stages of life. For example, they talk about what's going on with the person not only physically but spiritually and what caretakers/family/friends can learn from the person (the final teaching -- even if not through words -- is one of the final gifts the person gives us). Because of that book, despite the pain of losing our mom, I felt truly uplifted at the time and today by the experience of being able to be a caring witness to my mom's passing and honoring her and learning from the experience. To be able to be present as someone you love passes on is truly a loving gift you give to that person and they give to you (painful as it is).
Take very, very good care of yourself. Spoil yourself. Go out to dinner or get great take-out or delivery food with people you love or by yourself. You will need your strength and energy. And you deserve to be very well taken-care of. This is not a time to deprive yourself. If your daddy's in the hospital, have very special snacks for you and the people who visit. This will help you remember to celebrate your daddy and think sweet thoughts and share memories. My mom was cared for at home during the final stages of her life and, though my sisters and I went out to dinner a lot, I do remember always feeling hungry when I was in my mom's house because I didn't take time to go grocery shopping. I would have done that differently and I have no idea why I didn't do it then (I think I was busy with other things -- so, if anyone asks you how they can help, ask them to bring you some good food or groceries!)
If your daddy is a religious man, connect him to his religion through whatever traditions/ceremonies are offered when someone is so ill. My mom was Catholic and a friend of mine reminded us to be sure to have the priest come over to say the prayers for the sick.
If you can, you may want to get someone to help with basic care or whatever support you need so that you can focus on the "honoring" of your daddy.
As was already said, creating a memory book of photos is wonderful. Our daughters (who were then ages 9 and 11) and our niece (age 14) made a memory book. It was about my mom seen through their eyes. As you can imagine, we have that memory book at home and oh is it special and boy does it get read and reread.
Most of all, remember that you are honoring your daddy and participating in one of life's most precious transition (though saddest for us). So, be gentle with yourself in every way because what you are going through is truly special and honorable.
And please let us know how things are going if you have time.
With all the support I can send you,
Paula
I'm sorry to hear about your father's struggle. I will certainly be sending prayers not only for your daddy, but for you and the others who are close to your daddy to have strength as well. We lost my mom to cancer 3 years ago and to this day I still look to the time we took care of her (with my 2 sisters) as one of the most important (and most precious) times of my life. Here's what we learned that I think you'd appreciate (other than appreciating your father and honoring him now and forever).
My sisters and I all read the wonderful book, Final Gifts, by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley, as we were caring for my mom and it was the most uplifting and helpful book during a time of need. It is written by two hospice nurses that give insight into the final stages of life. For example, they talk about what's going on with the person not only physically but spiritually and what caretakers/family/friends can learn from the person (the final teaching -- even if not through words -- is one of the final gifts the person gives us). Because of that book, despite the pain of losing our mom, I felt truly uplifted at the time and today by the experience of being able to be a caring witness to my mom's passing and honoring her and learning from the experience. To be able to be present as someone you love passes on is truly a loving gift you give to that person and they give to you (painful as it is).
Take very, very good care of yourself. Spoil yourself. Go out to dinner or get great take-out or delivery food with people you love or by yourself. You will need your strength and energy. And you deserve to be very well taken-care of. This is not a time to deprive yourself. If your daddy's in the hospital, have very special snacks for you and the people who visit. This will help you remember to celebrate your daddy and think sweet thoughts and share memories. My mom was cared for at home during the final stages of her life and, though my sisters and I went out to dinner a lot, I do remember always feeling hungry when I was in my mom's house because I didn't take time to go grocery shopping. I would have done that differently and I have no idea why I didn't do it then (I think I was busy with other things -- so, if anyone asks you how they can help, ask them to bring you some good food or groceries!)
If your daddy is a religious man, connect him to his religion through whatever traditions/ceremonies are offered when someone is so ill. My mom was Catholic and a friend of mine reminded us to be sure to have the priest come over to say the prayers for the sick.
If you can, you may want to get someone to help with basic care or whatever support you need so that you can focus on the "honoring" of your daddy.
As was already said, creating a memory book of photos is wonderful. Our daughters (who were then ages 9 and 11) and our niece (age 14) made a memory book. It was about my mom seen through their eyes. As you can imagine, we have that memory book at home and oh is it special and boy does it get read and reread.
Most of all, remember that you are honoring your daddy and participating in one of life's most precious transition (though saddest for us). So, be gentle with yourself in every way because what you are going through is truly special and honorable.
And please let us know how things are going if you have time.
With all the support I can send you,
Paula
Sheila
SoWal Insider
jdarg said:
Jdarg, you are so right. It took me quite a while to get to the 2nd stage. But, I did get there. There are times now when I am holding baby Camden and I get so sad. I know how much Daddy would have loved that little boy. GTTBD sometimes catches me, he always assures me my Daddy is watching over us all still.